Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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