Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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