I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
