i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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