I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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