i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
