Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
