I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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