My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
