it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
