i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
