Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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