is your mom at the bar?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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