That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
