she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I need a beard to bite.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize