So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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