I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
