I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize