Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
