they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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