After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
