Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
