alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize