it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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