yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I wear drunk well.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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