Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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