Come see our sink grown plant.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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