So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
