Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So vagazzling was a success
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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