I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
