I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
