Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
