please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
