If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
