we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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