the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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