I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
