if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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