Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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