Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize