2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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