it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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