just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
