Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
