I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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