I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
