I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
