i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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