my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize