I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
