Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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