You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
