So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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