I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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