I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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