So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize