Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
