saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
a search helicopter?!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
When are your genitals available?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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