he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
